The Schoolhouse, Battersea

  • DATE #344
  • Written by Tom Stevenson (Guest Author)
  • 3 years ago

The Vibe

When you ask people where they live, they don’t normally give you an area. They give you the nearest public transport station. Who knows where Fitzrovia or Belgravia are? Tottenham Court Road and Victoria? Got it. This is just as well for Clapham because Clapham has two Overground stations and three Underground. Clapham Junction is so big and so connected that even people living north of the river use it to get into Victoria or Waterloo quicker. The Schoolhouse is in Battersea. Nearest station: Clapham Junction. You’re welcome. But it’s on this great little stretch that falls in between RuggerBugger-land and Nappy Valley. No chanting and no pushchairs. It’s on a street of bars and restaurants (St. John’s Hill) for South Londoners with taste and without offspring.

So, for this demographic, The Schoolhouse is perfect. It’s for people who have been out of school just long enough to enjoy the trip down memory lane, but not so long as to induce an expectant mother into a panic about the 11+.

The Order

Cool menu. Sticks with the theme. Starters are listed under “Registration”, sharers under “Teacher Conference” and mains are split into Old School and New School. Glasses are ‘stemless’ and many of the dishes are served on colourful plastic plates with specific compartments.

There’s a fantastic selection of beers so even though it’s a date, I suggest trying a beer each first before you dive into the Pinot Noir.

Sponge and custard for dessert, obviously. I knew one kid at school who only ate sponge and custard. He wouldn’t eat lunch unless it was on and if it was on he’d eat all of it.

The Game

I think it’s time to share some stories about when you were naughty at school e.g. “Once I was messing about and my biology teacher said, “Tom, I’ve really gone off you” to which I replied, “That does suggest you were once on me.”

This place is the perfect stimulus for cheeky conversation. Sure, you messed about at school, but does that mean you’re still a bit naughty now? Be suggestive, but keep it coy. And certainly don’t start comparing Facebook photos from your school days. She’s pouting. He’s posturing. Keep it strictly anecdotal.

Did you ever have a crush on one of your teachers? Or did it go a bit further? Did you ever do it at school? Did you ever show up to school drunk? Hint at your inner geek/jock/cheerleader – delete as appropriate.

The Faults

The exam at the end. Kidding. No faults here.

Sex factor

4.  Naughty at school. Lost innocence. Am I still naughty? Yeah, I think this place is sexy.

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