Volupté, Holborn

  • DATE #116
  • Written by Kitty Wakeful (Guest Author)
  • 4 years ago
Volupte Lounge London
Nice work if you (can) get it
Bling
Rating
Booze
Rating
Sex
Factor

The Vibe

Time Out tells us Cabaret’s back. It flourishes in recessions. Unclear why when it encapsulates all that is bank-breaking in London: a cocktail bar, in a restaurant, in a theatre. But for £55-63 a head you can eat three courses while being serenaded by Gracie and her band, the G Spots. Gracie’s special guest wore gold sparkly pants and sang in a Southern American drawl about her cat in various scenes of distress – trapped in the microwave (hot pussy), caught in the rain (wet pussy). It is innuendo at its most subtle.  The crowd ranges from young couples marking a special occasion to middle aged double-daters up to London to catch a show and discuss lawn irrigation during the interval. Office workers rock up late and throw themselves into (plentiful) opportunities for audience participation. So long as you’re jeanless and trainerless, Volupté will welcome you.

The Order

A lot of booze. Volupté has one of the most extensive cocktail menus I’ve encountered and you must work your way through as many as possible so that by the time the food comes you’ve lost interest. The steak was adequate because it came with bone marrow that tasted like smashed croutons infused with monster munch. But the cocktails conquered all. Death in the Afternoon (£12), invented by Ernest Hemingway in the 1930s, withstands the test of time. If you can’t stomach absinthe, French 77 St Germain elderflower liqueur with lemon juice and champagne is a commendable alternative.

The Game

Consider this a screening exercise. Is she really worth the trouble if she doesn’t dig another girl shaking her fanny in your face? If you think that’s crude, Volupté is not for you. Some people dress up. Others don’t. You don’t want to be the ersatz couple in costume so opt for faintly themed garb (dress shirts/seamed stockings). Go to a later show on Thursday-Saturday and drink (yourself to) Death in the Afternoon in the chintzy cocktail bar upstairs till you’re steeled.

The Faults

This is a high-risk strategy, like taking someone to a Slavoj Žižek talk or Jimmy Savile revival. There’s a reasonable chance they’ll run a mile.

Sex Factor

5. If you fail to get laid after such a salacious display, you’ll feel like a prude. But you may be too traumatised to engage with any conviction. You’ll have heard it all before.

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